Opinions?
Ok, so here’s the deal…
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I left Amy’s father and was ran out of Exeter (where I lived with him) by his abusive family and left me in massive debt. He was a lazy pot smoking bully who both abused me physically and most of all mentally, never held down a job and had no loyalties or morals…lucky escape eh?!
Anyhow, he is from a very different walk of life from me, lives with his mum now but has held down a job for a year and although does not pay his debt he does pay a little maintenance, loves Amy but never puts her first (holiday or Amy’s birthday…hmmmm holiday please?!)
he sees Amy once a fortnight when she sleeps in his bedroom in a bunk bed with him and his missus, (house with room for Amy or nightclubs…hummmmm night club please?!) and she is always coming home with flea bites all over and he messes with her head, buys her the world and has a stiiiiiiinking attitude.
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I am marrying a wonderful Christian man who is an awesome dad, has great morals and is loyal, gracious, kind and loving. I asked Amy’s father is we could put ‘Swan’ after Amy’s surname after the wedding and he point blank said no.
(we want to all have the same name in the house! We want her to be part of the swan family, she spends 98% of her time with us, we want the wedding to be between the four of us…god, rob, ange and Amy! For us all to be joined as one.)
he has no legal rights so we are thinking of going ahead with it anyway and are thinking of going for parental rights for Rob and even adoption but…this will open a massive can of worms and could end up in all sorts of fights…
should we Change her name/ adopt/ parental rights?
Is it better that she has a relationship with a man like that than no relationship at all? … but he is not good for her, do we stop access? Is that really what is right for her? Should any child be stopped from seeing her father regardless of how bad he is? I know i wish my mum had stopped me from seeing mine…I had to disown him myself at 23 and it damn near killed me! Could i put Amy through that? In these situations, taking all adults out of the equation…what is right for AMY! What is best for Amy’s upbringing? What will make Amy happy?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t really expect for you guys to say anything to help, guess I just needed to air it!
Ange x
Opening a can o worms…
don’t know what to tell you Ange, but my daughter is going thru the same thing with 3 kids. So I feel your pain.
my opinion - the guy has made his choices, for worse.
You make yours, for better.
Funny…and you had no idea. I say funny because that last bit about changing or amending names is something I went through many years ago. I was in Amy’s position, though the path to that situation was quite different.
I was adopted when I was six weeks old.
My adoptive father was killed in a hunting accident when I was six years old.
My mother remarried when I was nine years old.
At that time there was a decision to be made about me being adopted by my stepfather.
If I were to be adopted I would take on his last name (or use both).
This is the odd part: They asked me what I wanted to do.
Even at nine I was allowed to be a part of the decision about keeping my name or taking the name of my new stepdad. Of course, the decision wasn’t mine, but I was asked and I gave my opinion.
In the end I was not adopted by my stepdad, I did not take my stepfathers name, but he did get full parental rights.
I can’t say what should be done except to say that whatever the end result is I hope Amy’s wishes will be allowed to be part of the decision, and a large part of the discussion.
Look at it this was – You love Rob enough to take his name. Rob loves you enough to give his name to you. Amy or Rob may or may not be ready to take a similar leap.
I think you, Rob, and Amy will be a family regardless of (Amy’s)surname. Your X will most likely have issues and will feel alienation and hostility toward your goal. I think it was a good idea to express your desires in this matter to him, because it lets him know how strongly you feel about your daughters welfare. You will most likely have a legal issue. Not sure how these matters are handled in the UK. But in the US, without the X’s OK, it might require a skilled lawyer. Remember - one cloud on the horizon isn’t going to spoil your sunny day.
Thanks everyone, It is what we all want, Amy would love to be a Swan and Rob is gutted because for the first time in 2 years he had to admit to himself yesterday that she was not actually his! so he’s been doing his homework, been to the citizens advice and the county court this morning. It looks like we can double barrel the surname anyway without his permission and as he has no parental rights, Rob can gain parental right with just my signature…turns out that we never even needed to involve him!
Ange x 