Another Political Post

John Cleese’s Letter to the US

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
Independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now
been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as
‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is
nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half
the letters. You will end your love affair with the
letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix
“ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”.

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced
‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise
your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”.

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up “interspersed”.

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer
show. If you’re Not old enough to cope with bad
language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you
learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have
to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents.
It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not
limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian
(Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how
to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such
as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with
subtitles.

While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that
there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The
name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in
calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
“shires” e.g. Texasshire,Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving
Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered
down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t
cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
“God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying
out task 1. We would not want you to Get confused and
give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American “football” is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your Borders may have noticed that no one else
plays “American” football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a Difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby(which is similar to American “football”, but
does not involve stopping fora rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host An event called the ‘World Series’ for a game
which is not played outside Of America. Since only
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world Beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you Will be allowed to play a girls’ game
called “rounders” which is baseball Without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will Start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t
even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup
will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea
made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From
November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”.
The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will
henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s
Urine”, with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the
last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol
(or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep
calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those
of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return,
adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US Gallon - get used
to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a
gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving
us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven’s
sake…it’s Nuclear as in “clear” NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
John Cleese

LMAO! :laugh:

dat was 2 funny!

jerm:
:cool:

:D :D :D :D

I dunno about that… would we have to see a lot of Camila? Ewww…

TG

As for re-uniting with Britain, things would have to get really bad here for me to want to do that but I agree - I wouldn’t want Utah either.

I think that the British should get rid of Blair first & we’ll deal with W. over here :laugh:

Utah is one of the best things we have in this country.

I like Utah if you could just ignore the Mormoms, which you can’t.

The real irony is that here we have a Brit talking about other people’s arrogance :laugh:

We don’t get Britains shitty weather do we?? I’m kinda partial to warm, dry summer days in the Southeastern USA myself!

And you have to wonder about the mental faculties of a guy like Prince Charles… I mean trading Diana (God rest her soul) for Camila? Thats like trading a Porsche 911 for a VW Bus. Wazzup with that guy?

TG

No John, don’t ban baseball!

I agree it’s not cricket, (which for those of you who are unaware of the details of the game, involves the spectators reclining back in nice comfortable deck chairs, imbibing heartily from the beer coolers at their side, then falling asleep for the rest of the afternoon. Then, 4 or 5 hours later, they all wake up, clap politely whilst calling out “well played sir”, then they all head home).

But, baseball is fun too! :D

(By the way, who can guess the first two national teams ever to play an international cricket match? (answer at bottom)).

Anyway, the responses to the post show that although Americans do have a different sense of humour from the Brits, it’s not too dissimilar; and it’s a very strong sense of humour too. :)



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And you have to wonder about the mental faculties of a guy like Prince Charles… I mean trading Diana (God rest her soul) for Camila? Thats like trading a Porsche 911 for a VW Bus. Wazzup with that guy?


Please, I would never be disrespectful enough to call your president “Bush”, it’s President Bush. So, although Charles’ new wife is not loved by the British public, nonetheless, we do address her by her chosen title, (and if she ever decides to use her title of Princess of Wales, (or god forbid, Queen), then we will use that too.

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We don’t get Britains shitty weather do we?? I’m kinda partial to warm, dry summer days in the Southeastern USA myself!


Great point! :laugh: OK, so can we have Arizona’s winter weather please? :)



USA vs Canada, 1844. Weird innit?
(England, the home of cricket, never played as a national team against other nations till 1859).

Woops. Sorry 'bout that. I can’t keep up who is what over there. No disrespect intended. Old cow is still UGLY though! :p :p :p

TG

Woops. Sorry 'bout that. I can't keep up who is what over there. No disrespect intended. Old cow is still UGLY though!

TG


Yeah, like a dog's arse sadly. :( (HRH the dog's arse I should say).

However, I think it's one of those instances where we have to respect the difference between Charles the man and Charles the heir to the throne.

After all, there is precedent. In the mid 17th Century, Charles I (the man) was tried, convicted and executed for treason against Charles I (the king).

Anyway, he probably got off lightly compared to his present day namesake! LOL

What the heck do the royals do anyways in merry ol England ? Anyone can stay locked up in their house, come out occasionally and wave at the neighbors. What the heck is their job?

Quote (YazMiester @ April 14 2005,20:47)
Anyone can stay locked up in their house, come out occasionally and wave at the neighbors.

I think a lot of people would prefer if George W did the same thing :)

LOL

What the heck do the royals do anyways in merry ol England ? Anyone can stay locked up in their house, come out occasionally and wave at the neighbors. What the heck is their job?

Well, if that's a serious question Yaz, I'll try to answer it, (and even if it's not, I still will! :D)

Anyway, the Queen is head of state.

And that is mostly a symbolic role, but not entirely.

In the 70's she, through her agent the Governor-General of Australia, sacked the Australian Prime Minister.

Yep, she removed the ruling head of government of an independent nation.

And she did that as protector of the Australian Constitution, which the Australian Prime Minister was violating.

And she has that power in all Commonwealth countries, including the UK. She has no power to alter the Constitution, nor to make laws, etc., but she does have the power to remove governments who violate that country's Constitution.

Also, the armed forces of the UK, members of the judicial system, etc., swear allegiance to the Crown, not some shithead politician who happens to be in charge at the moment.

So, although her political power is very restricted, it's crucial nonetheless; she is in some ways equivalent to the US Supreme Court.

So, should an hereditary situation place an individual in that position of power?

Well, look at it this way, you want a politician to do it? :D

But whether it's a good system or not, it's more or less worked for 1200 years. :)

Anyway, most of all, she brings in lots of tourist dollars. :laugh: