Cows and politics.

I don’t know if any of you have seen this, I thought it was really funny :)


You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of your milk.

Pure Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help take care of the cows. You all
share the milk.

Applied Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help take care of the cows. The
government takes all of the milk.

Pure Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbours elect someone to decide who gets the

Singaporean Democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed
farm animals in an apartment.

French Democracy:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three.

British Democracy:
You have two cows. They are mad. The government shoots both, burns
their corpses and charges you for the pleasure.

European Democracy:
You used to have two cows, but the EC has never agreed a definition of
"cow" so you now have two Domesticated Mammals (Bovine) Female
Production (Beef Products). Nowhere in the definition does it say
"milk" so you are no allowed to sell milk, on pain of a huge fine. You
can, however, get “Milk set-aside” for NOT milking them (even though
you can’t milk them) and all the milk you milk (but don’t milk) can be
poured away, so you get another subsidy for NOT adding to the European
Milk Lake, and although you are free to export your cows to any other
part of the European Economic Area, you need to prove your herd and
every other herd for miles (sorry kilometers) around is and always has
been free of BSE, swine vesicular disease and Plum Spot Mould but the
moment you transport them into France a bunch of angry farmers sets
fire to your truck. As the cows have been exported but not re-imported
and since they have not been sold to any other EU Registered Business,
you can continue to receive all the subsidies but there are 12 forms
to complete each year. Then the area around your farm is re-designated
Objective 2 (industrial) instead of Objective 5 (agricultural) so cows
are no longer allowed but you can get a one-off payment in
compensation provided you promise never to keep any more cows (which
you aren’t) or milk them (which you don’t). Instead, you get a grant
for a small factory which you don’t build, get another subsidy for
employing 10 people then a cash grant to pay their redundancy when you
sack them the next day and because you’re a new busoiness there’s a
free computer and a one-year course at the local tech. You choose
Amnimal Husbandry because there’s a strong possibility that next year
the EC will decide there aren’t enough cows in Europe so you’ll get
another grant for changing your industrial land back into farming land
and all the same subsidies for NOT producing milk or beef. At the same
time you decide to apply for set-aside subsidies NOT to grow bananas
(which you couldn’t even if you wanted to), lupins (because there’s a
lupin glut) or grape seed (because the EC Equal Oppportunities
Commissioner is taking five years to decide whether the word “rape” is
offensive to rape victims and thus the word cannot be used in any
Common Agricultural Policy document, therefore grape seed doesn’t,
officially, exist). You do, however, grow plums, but can’t sell them
to the local jam factory because officially they are a vegetable not a
fruit and there is no definition of “jam” which the Greeks will
accept. Instead, you get paid to eat them yourself. However, you make
the mistake of recording the crop in Pounds instead of Kilograms and
the fine puts you out of business. So you shoot yourself, and the EC
is happy that there is one less farmer to worry about.

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

You have two cows. The government takes both and denies they existed.
Milk is banned.

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd grows and
the economy expands. You retire on the income.

Hong Kong Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a
Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk
back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the
two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica

Counter Culture:
Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some
of this milk.

Political Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is an outdated
symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
non-specified gender.

American Democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After
the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow
futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”. The cows are set free.

Itchy and Scratchy Cowocracy
There is one cow. You kill your neighbor, feed it to the cow. Milk the
cow, churn the milk to butter, spread it on your bread and finally eat
your neighbor.

Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one, but must give the other to
your neighbor.

Stalinism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and
shoots you for not meeting the quota.

Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce
the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

British Imperialism - You and your neighbor each have one cow. The
Brits invade, give your cow to your neighbor, and your neighbor’s to
you. You and your neighbor will not stop arguing over the cows, as
each wants their own cow back but is unwilling to relinquish their new
cow. The Brits decide all the arguing isn’t worth their time and leave
the two of you to argue into eternity.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Your neighbor wants those cows. The two of
you hold each other at gunpoint, arguing over who is going to keep the
cows. You shoot eachother. The cows decide to go back to democracy.

Italian Fascism:
You have two cows, and the Government makes sure they are always
milked on time. However, in a brilliant plan to fool the milk economy,
the government pours 80% of the milk away, in order to place a
surrpise delivery of milk to neighboring countries.
After your milk exports have failed due to astonishing lack of milk,
the government is overthrown, but is supported by the German Milk
Axis. Decades later, shamed by your attempts at milk imports, you will
make snide and vicious “jokes” about Germany’s mass-milk exporting
several decades ago.

Ancient Greek Democracy:
You have two cows. Your government allows any of your cows to vote as
long as they are Greek, male, not a slave, produce plenty of milk, and
are slightly too old to be middle - aged for cows.

Current English Democracy:
You have two cows. You don’t particularly want milk from either of
them, but one of them says that it will lower grass and feed intake
whilst increasing milk production. Five years later, it has eaten more
than 60% of your grass and is costing a fortune in supplements, and
exhibits only a dribble of the promised milk. It then denies being
involved in the butching of it’s calf, but is later seen holding a
cleaver. However, the other cow has since been replaced by a doubly
un-milkable cow, who is then, after allegations that is has paid the
milk-maid to be it’s secretary, is at the last minute replaced by
another cow three times it’s age and half it’s effectiveness, yet is
hailed as “The Saviour Of The Second-Cow Position”.
You still don’t want to milk either cow, but the lying, eating,
non-milk producing cow is the only one who actually seems to know it’s
udders from it’s ears, even though it’s probably going to produce more
milk from it’s ears than it’s udders.
You complain bitterly to your neighbor, and vote for the lying cow.

You have two cows. Both of them are wearing eyeliner.

Roman imperialism in about 400 AD:
you rule two cows. angry, hungry tourists appear at the edge of your
farm. you, completely unarmed, steal some of their money and run like
f*ck. they follow you, burn your fields, ransack your home, enslave
your family, and steal your cows.

American Republiucan:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?

American Democrat:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who
tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and
give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

British Tory:
You have two cows.
This doesn’t matter as you spend most of your time hunting foxes.

British Neoconservative:
You have two cows.
20 years ago your chief agricultural health/saftey adviser warned you
about Mad Cow disease. You fired him. Then publicly ridiculled him.
Then placed reporting restrictions on anything that even sounded like
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (not that much did).

British Old Labor:
You have two cows.
You raise taxes on the rich to 70% so that every cow is guaranteed to
get council housing and family benefits for each of their calfs.

British New Labor:
You have two cows.
You rationalise farm subsidies (cut them by 54%), slaughter every cow
that fails your impossible to pass means test for Bovine Sanity, kill
any sheep for good measure… blame it all on the Conservative
government of 20 years ago and ban fox hunting. Then suggest that the
public-private partnership will make all the milk.

Japanese Corporation:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Corporation:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

British Corporation:
You have two cows.
They are mad. They die.
Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.

Italian Corporation:
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for

Russian Corporation:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12
cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Corporation:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.

British Corporation:
You have two cows.
You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you
have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Indian Corporation:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.

Chinese Corporation:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high
bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them

Israeli Corporation:
There are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie
rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who
needs people?

Arkansas Corporation:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute…

That about sums it up!! MOOOOO!!



Yeah Ali. I seen on the news this morning France made a big commitment to NATO to help out with stabilzing Iraq’s new democracy. They committed ONE guy! You can forget about the French engineer thingie, he’s the bloke they are sending to Iraq!


Quote (nergle @ Feb. 21 2005,14:43)
Whereas, what we are tending towards is; Italian police, British cooks, French engineers and German haus fraus! LOL


From the best of all worlds to the worst... very funny :D