Just getting it off my chest
Hello people,
This is about as off topic as it gets, but I could use some advice or another point of view… and I guess it never hurts to ask.
I have had excellent music advice from this site before and figure it can’t do any harm to see if anyone wants to try their hand giving some more general life kind of advice.
Yes… it’s a nice old clichéd scenario of lusting after a girl… and I have known I am an out and out loser since this all began so while you may feel free to tell me so if you wish… you won’t be telling me anything I don’t already know.
A friend of two years or so recently stayed the night with me and I found myself looking at her a #### of a lot differently ever since we sat up talking bollocks about the world for hours on end. No problem so far… as I knew that while she might not like me quite so much as I her, we have always got on pretty well and I guessed there was a fair chance of things working out.
A couple of weeks go by and we are just getting closer and talking a lot more than we used to (thought this might have been suspicious to her, but now I find out with hindsight that she just thought I was getting more sociable as a whole). I was soundly relying on the advice of a friend that I needed to see how things might develop over a period of time and that the last thing I should do was tell her exactly how I feel and therefore back her into a corner where she might feel she has to make a decision.
This last Saturday night we were all out in a pub and there was plenty of drinking going on. Somehow the conversation between me and this girl worked around to relationships, and then almost before I knew what was happening I spilled the lot to her. I even knew at that very moment I was doing the one thing I was certain I should not… but of course with a fair dose of alcohol down me reason was right out the window.
She was shocked, but fortunately not repulsed by the idea as she came back to my place and we had a rather pleasant evening kinda messing around beneath the covers. As morning and sobriety crept up things changed a little and the other old cliché emerged as she mentioned that she’s not sure she is ready to get very close to someone at the moment after a string of less than pleasant relationships. She fully accepted my claims that for good or for bad she certainly won’t find me like the other types. I pretty rapidly rambled on about how this shouldn’t be a stressful thing for her and that we can just take it easy and see what happens. She did ask at one point if I would be angry or upset if she backs off… and I tried to keep things sounding easy by telling her no problem; there is no way I would want her getting into something she doesn’t want to.
NOTE: If anyone is still reading here then you gotta have a more boring job than me. I also apologise for boring you near to your death… I just gotta have a little bit of personal catharsis right now.
The following day we both had to hang around a little as I had to take her back to the town where her car was and then she had to wait a little while we made some noise in the rehearsal studio (she somehow managed to sleep through it - quite a feat I think). I bailed out of practice early so I could take her to get her car. At that point we hugged in the car and then she said she would call me later and once again that we are going to see what happens.
There has been no contact since except for a few text messages about general things… so at least I know she isn’t horrified in anyway… but she was definitely a lot cooler the Sunday morning than the previous night.
I am torn between wanting to call her and not wanting to bother her and make her seem like I am a pain in the arse. I guess I ought to call her pretty soon as on Saturday night she said she can’t help thinking I was saying the things I was because I was hammered… and that I should call her when sober just to let her know I meant it. I am not sure if I ought to leave it a few days so I don’t seem over zealous… or if that is gonna make her think I regret what I said and didn’t really mean it.
This could be about to lead to the greatest period of happiness so far in my life… or it could be a deep dark pit that leaves me remembering exactly why I had kind of written off the idea that two people can be happy in a relationship a few years back.
I feel like I am walking along a very narrow treacherous path with a beautiful garden visible just at the end. If I make it it’s gonna be great, but it’s a long way down either side and there is some nasty crap waiting for me if I fall. Sorry for the pathetic metaphor… but I am getting pretty good at sucking in this post so might as well take it through to the conclusion.
I know this is crazy. I felt fine just a few weeks back… and just had the best evening of my life with the girl so who the #### am I to sit here feeling like my heart has been torn out and stamped on while someone pours boiling bile into my chest cavity. Right now I just don’t know if I need to keep my distance so I don’t seem to be hassling her… or re-affirm what I told her the other night and then… well I don’t really know what the #### then.
Anyway… bring on the end of this shift so I can go home and sink enough beer to numb all realisations of where the #### I am and what mess I have potentially got myself into.
If anyone is crazy enough to have read all of this then any advice you can offer will be taken graciously… even if it’s just ‘stop being such a cretin and get over yourself’.
Gah… I suck!
EDIT: Thought I best make it known that the word blanked out a lot above is h£ll. Didn’t want people to think I was filling the place up with bad language (and am a little surprised to see that word censored… ah well).
I can’t help but chime in here. I hate to use a cliche but it seems approrpriate. Its better to have tried and lost than never tried at all. er ah is it, It’s better to have loved and lost…
Anyway, you get the idea. Just from reading your post, I think I understand your dilema. Really, it’s the same thing we all go through in almost any major decision. Only you can weigh the options and the risks and make a decision.
I would think if you just suprised her someday with dinner or flowers, or something she likes (just to break the ice) and explain your dilema, she would understand. If losing her friendship is what concerns you simply tell her that. I can’t imagine the worst case scenario actually happening. If she rejects you, things may get strange for a bit, but if you are good friends you’ll work through that too.
Good luck, and I hope things work out.
Razorback,
It’s always easier to see a problem clearly when you are not involved. The Oprah wanna be is right. Just be honest. If you feel you were a little over the top when drunk telling your feelings, then tell her that. Try not to act like a wuss (even if love makes you feel that way). Remember the cliche’ “Girls just wanna have fun”. Instead of getting heavy on her about your feelings, I would make sure she had a great time whenever she is with you. Instead of making formal plans to go to dinner, instead take her some place strange and cool to eat without prior plans. Be a mushroom…be a fungi (fun guy).
Mike
It’s difficult/impossible to pick up the vibes between you two without actually having been there. At some points it sounds like she really isn’t interested in you, then with other details it sounds like she actually is just being cautious as she claims to be. Girls in general are much more casual about hugs than guys, and giving her a ride doesn’t say much either. Nevertheless, you’re in the company of artist-types here, so you’re probably going to get alot of “follow your heart” advice, which I also recomment, as long as one condition is added: No Expectations. You can expect work out of an employee or expect the bus driver to be on time, but you absolutely can’t expect someone’s heart to follow your own. You may happily spill your guts fully sober or stinking drunk, but do yourself a favor and don’t expect anything in return. Just do it, and be happy that it’s out there. Besides, how can you really know if she’s right for you (yeah, your happiness is part of equation, too) if you don’t show her the REAL you? If she’s repulsed now, well then, there you have it–no matter what may be clouding your vision, be it kindness, sense of humor, or that irrestible ***, she is NOT for you (at least for the long-term).
So in short, call her as she requested and let her know the booze wasn’t the reason. Be sincere, paint a picture for her over the phone, then hang up knowing the you have planted your seed. Check back occasionally to see if anything has grown, realizing it may not, ever…and live your life that way.
Tony
- If you seek clarity, remove alcohol from the equation.
2. Give her some room to figure things out. You won’t look desperate and she will esteem you more highly.
I knew I could rely on this place for some objective and sobering advice. It’s exactly what I needed. I think at this stage there is a possibility of things going as I would like, but I am sure that it’s critical I don’t make any very wrong moves. The warnings are very useful to me to help ensure that doesn’t happen.
I called her last night shortly after posting the above message. I think it went pretty well considering I was trying to talk while my stomach was firmly in my throat. It was a bit difficult to get out but I told her that I meant what I said to her the other night… and I am kind of hoping that if there was no chance at all of anything happening she would have said so then. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something like ‘thank you… that’s very nice’ and at least now she knows I wasn’t just being a drunken fool. We also joked around a bit about some miscellaneous things; I don’t seem to have any trouble making her laugh which I guess is a good thing (so long as it’s not while naked anyway).
Wanna-be Oprah,
Thanks for the good wishes. I think it might be a bit early to surprise her with anything yet… but when the time seems right, getting her out with me on her own for a few hours somewhere will definitely be a defining act. Just gotta wait (hope) for the right signs before I try to do that.
DrGuitar,
The bit about not acting like a wuss is EXACTLY what I need to keep in mind. I gotta remember that the guy she has liked and been getting closer to over the last couple of years is my usual slightly wild, always smiling and just a little bit crazy side. She certainly isn’t going to be interested in some snivelling guy calling her up and telling her how much he wants to be with her.
I like the rest of your advice too. I have to make sure that when she thinks of me for any reason the memories in the forefront of her mind are of having a good time and laughing. We have quite a few social occasions on the horizon so there should be plenty of opportunity for that.
Scantee,
When I run over things in my mind… one minute it seems that it should be strikingly obvious that she’s interested, and then another moment quite the opposite. It’s certainly not easy to gauge. I will make sure I remember there is no right to expect reciprocation. In fact I am quite sure that any indication to her that I felt she owed me something would be the fastest way to repel a woman in history.
And indeed the seed is planted, and I am sure as the days go by I will get used to the idea that these things don’t exactly go at the speed of light.
Dr. Phil,
Some sober time together must be very much on the agenda… and not appearing desperate is something I think I have just about managed to sidestep (and hopefully will continue to do). Complete lack of pressure has to be a part of the key here. In fact I am very much hoping that she feared a little that I would be calling her incessantly after Sunday morning, and that she is quite pleased by the fact it hasn’t happened.
And so look at me rambling on once again. It’s been quite a week since last weekend… there were a few fairly painful days but I am now coming to my senses and remembering that everything was fine and happy 3 weeks or so ago, and that there is no rational reason for it not to be that way now.
I guess I really should look on the bright side. Before the weekend I had no idea how to even approach the subject. The best plan I had in mind was to talk to a mutual friend of ours… which would only make things more confusing I think in hindsight. I suppose at the very least she has not felt the need to tell me ‘No way’.
In the long run… I guess at least this is all going to bring some emotions to the forefront to fuel some pretty intense lyric writing. The pen has been a bit busy this week. 
Cheers people, and thanks for the words of advice.
Hey razorback.
I don’t know if your a spiritual man or not.
But if you are remember this. Some things are meant to be, and even if you try to stop them they will still be. If you truley are meant to be with this woman you can leave your country, change your name, and somehow you will still end up together. My suggestion is to ask the Big Man upstairs to point you in the right direction, and go from there.
If you not a believer in a higher power, then just disregard my previous statement and continue going about it with the luck of the dice. I figure the odds be 50/50.
jerm