It's a wonderful life.

Girlfriend had a heart attack last night, and I just got home from the hospital less than an hour ago.

She seems to be doing ok now, so just a case of wait and see I suppose.

But, they found her blood sugar was over 400, so I suppose that was worth discovering.

Anyway, got home to find a side of the house and half the roof burned away.

Most of the windows are gone, so glass everywhere, and the firemen aren’t gentle when they put out fires it seems.

Significant fire and smoke damage to the neighbour’s house, so no doubt a nice law suit coming there.

Anyway, I’m now making significant and determined inroads on the very expensive single malt one of my sons got me for my birthday.

So, someone tell me a good joke please, and make it funny.

Anyway, logging off now in case the hospital calls, and me and a bottle of whisky have got some busy work ahead of us.

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking cigarettes. It started to rain and one lady said, ‘‘Great, now I’ll have to put this out.’’
The other lady said, ‘‘No you don’t, i have some cigarette covers here.’’

She proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, ‘‘Where did you get that?’’

The second lady replied, ‘‘Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.’’

The next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,’‘I’d like some condoms please.’’

The clerk replied,’‘What size please?’’

The lady said, ‘‘One big enough to fit a Camel.’’

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Hope things get better quick Ali. I’ll be praying for you and your girlfriend. Hang in there!


Two Irish nuns are travelling in a car at night, and a vampire falls on the bonnet (of the car).

One turns to the other one and says :
Quick, mary, show him your cross !

The other one leans out the window and screams:

Oi, you ! F#ck off !

I thaught it was worth a shot.

My dad’s house burned halfway down 5 days after my mother died from cancer 4 years ago. Not good.

I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to have everything burned down instead of sifting through the ashes and try to rescue what the fire (and firemen) didn’t destroy…

Ali, hang in there.
Take care of yourself.

Wihan <----- Sad that I’m not able to do anything to make it better for you my friend. :(
(Except pray, but I would want to be able to DO something)

Luckilly I believe in prayer so you don’t have to :p

Ali, what can we do to help? I would be more than happy to contribute to a house/hospital/ beer fund.

I’ve been through two fires in my life. Once when I was about 10 and the store my partent owned burned and the insurance agent hadn’t filed the papers - 750,000 damage. So much for my parent’s marriage. then when I was 18 someone torched our house, I had my Ford maverick and the clothes on my back which happened to be rather smelly 'cause I worked as a gas station attendent at the time. Took months and months to get money from the insurance company, but I went right out and spent it on a Music Man 2x12 130 which were brand new at the time and a tele with a beautiful rosewood fretboard. And got some clothes at st. vincent de paul (a second hand store).

So let us know, we’ll help out. Right folks? !

I’m with ya Tom. When I was 22, our house burned to the ground in the middle of the winter. My parents had just gotten divorced and the insurance had just lapsed (a week earlier). Total loss…fortunately no lost life.

I am so sorry about both your girl friend and your home. Sounds like your GF has diabetes. Tell me where to send the beer/start-over funds. If you have a paypal account, that would make it simple to transfer funds.

Now for the joke.

Two Nuns are walking through central park in New York city one evening. When all of a sudden 2 muggers jump out from behind a bush and pull the two nuns back into the bushes out of sight. The 2 muggers are having their way with the Nuns when the first Nun mutters, “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do.” To which the second Nun giggles, “Hush up… I think this one just might…”


You are in my thoughts Ali,


Hey Ali, of course our prayers are with you.

If it’s any consolation, in my religion nothing bad every happens to a believer. God is in control of all things, and no matter how trajic an event, something good will become of it.
Sounds like this was the case with your gals blood sugar. And it’s quite possible thats side of the house would have fell over anyway! :laugh:
OK so that wasn’t a good joke…but something to ponder none the less. ???
You now have a gal who may have avoided a more serious illness. And at least one new side of a house soon to be built! :p I’m thinking a sun room addition? …lot’s of open space’s…one’s only limit is ones imagination.
I’m willin’ to volunteer some time since this is my area of experteiss,(Jeremy’s Demo Co.) just send the plane ticket to this address: (round trip please, I’ll sleep on the couch!)
Jeremy Achey
1413 E 8th Street
Bethlehem, PA
I’ll show up hammer in hand!


keep shinin’ and hang in there,



So let us know, we’ll help out. Right folks?

You d@%m straight we will! Let us know Ali-dude…


The milkman was about to retire and all the folks on his run knew, as he’s a friendly old fellow and talks to most of them as he does his rounds.

On his last day, many of the clients are giving him presents and send off cards and the like, until he gets to the house of a gorgeous young blonde woman, who takes him upstairs and has wild sex with him. Afterwarsd, she makes him breakfast and gives him a dollar.

The milkman asked “What’s with this? This is great, what brought this on?” To which the blonde replied,
"I told my husband it was your last day and asked him what we should do. He said ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar’. Breakfast was my idea."


Ali my friend, prayers be with you and your girlfriend. Any help I can do I will be more than happy to.

A priest, a rabbi, and a southern baptist preacher happen upon a suitcase full of drug money. While wondering what to do with the money, they decide to split it between the lord and themselves.
The priest says let’s draw a 5ft circle upon the ground, throw the money up into the air, what lands in the circle let the us keep, and outside the circle we give to the lord.
The rabbi says let us draw a 3ft circle, throw the money up into the air, what lands inside the circle let the lord keep and outside the circle we keep.
The southern baptist preacher says, let us throw the money up into the air, what the lord wants let him keep, what hits the ground we keep!

OK, a “philosophy” joke. What’s red and invisible?

No apples.

My girlfriend’s favorite:

Two tomatos are sitting in an ice-box. One tomato turns to the other and says “Brrrr… It sure is cold in here.” To which the other tomato screams in horror, “AHH! A TALKING TOMATO!”

Hi Ali,
Sorry to hear that mate. Hang in there. All I can say is that last year I got a lot of support from some of the guys in this forum. My girlfriend had left me because of a culture difference with her family, my Auntie died, my Dad had a heart attack at her funeral and my Mum was diagnosed with cancer, all in one week. If I can offer a light at the end of the tunnel, my girlfriend defied the family and came back, my mum and dad still both alive and well. Good luck from a dirty Wicker!

Dinnae hit the dram too hard laddie. Been there, it disnae help!

Well, they say things come in threes, (mostly I suspect, because the people who say things like that are congenitally unable to count up to four), so, including my mysterious HD disappearance , I suppose that now makes three.

Anyway, it wasn’t a heart attack, it’s a wobbly valve (medical term I ‘spose) which allows too much blood into the heart (which is indubitably too much information too), and that plus the newly revealed diabetes caused the heart to go into spasm.

They were going to let her home today, but when I explained the situation to the consultant, he agreed that it’s probably best that she stays in the infirmary for now. And I still haven’t told her about the fire.

I’m not a man who has much hate in my heart, but I’m starting to think that I can generate some for insurance companies.

Apart from the roof, there’s not much structural damage, (although, black greasy shit coats everything, and the stink is unbelievable). But the insurance only covers the “structure”, and not surprisingly, things like doors and windows etc., are not part of the structure, but instead are “fixtures and fittings”. Whoop de do!

The lighting circuit is totally gone, but apart from that, there’s only one ring main circuit that has gone, so I have power.

Anyway, enough of the fire, I really don’t want to think about it at the moment.

We haven’t been in this house long, so it hasn’t had a chance to become a home, in fact, much of my stuff is still in boxes, which is a blessing come to think of it.

So I’m just gonna sell the place. It can never be a home now, not when you lose trust in it. It’ll make a loss, but what the ####.

So, it seems that God, or Darwin, or Sod, or someone, is telling me to get that motor home and travel.

Why sit around waiting for death? Might as well start travelling and hunt the fucker down, in the first place, it’ll put on him on the defensive, then it’ll be me and him, either three card brag (no wild cards) or a drinking contest, and if you’re a betting sort of person, put your money on me. :D

I haven’t spoken to Denise about my decision, (obviously), but I know she misses California. She loves the UK and she says her heart is in Scotland, but at the end of the day, home is where your roots are I suppose.

Anyway guys, what can I say?

Wihan, the fact that you believe that your prayers work, is more than good enough for me.

Tom, never mind about the beer fund, you still owe me for 12 pints of Tennants Special Brew, so save your money, I will be there to take you up on it, (but the second 12 pints are on me) .

And your joke is as bad as my favourite: “What’s brown and sticky”?

A stick.


TG, if all Christians were like you and Jerm and Wihan, you might even find this old communist/atheist/probationary Satanist, joining you!

Jerm, your spelling still sucks, but your heart is still set firmly in the right place, and that’s all that matters. :)

Mike, I’ll be expecting a free guitar lesson, but none of those jazz chords OK? God designed our hands to hold beer glasses, not Eb aug13 no 11!.

Bruff, I remember it well. I was in a different incarnation back then, (Krishna I think it was?), but I still mind it fine.

John, Willie, thank you.

Yaz, like the rest of us, you’ve been through some shit recently too, so thank you too.

Anyway guys, all I can say is again, thank you. Your posts mean more to me than I can ever say or you’d ever believe.

I’m gonna start packing now, so may only be online intermittently, but, see ya all around!

But, one wee criticism, your jokes are all crap! :D

Well not really, I enjoyed them all, and still chuckling at John’s.

PS. I can’t put as many smiles in this post as I wish to, it won’t allow me to.

So just take this one and put it where appropriate. :)



“What?s brown and sticky”?

A stick.

Now that is funny.

I have an idea, Ali. Since most of us are penurious home recordists, what we should do, rather than take up a collection, is send you all of our unused equipment to replace anything you might have lost. You know, all that stuff in our closets that looked soooo good on Ebay but turned out to be a turd. I’m going to send along an Ibanez Metal distortion pedal.

Ain’t I a saint?
Quote (TomS @ June 02 2005,18:56)
I'm going to send along an Ibanez Metal distortion pedal.

What do you mean Tom?
I have one, and it works great! Of course I have an Ibanez guitar that might be why?
I also bought mine on Ebay, brand new, out the box, straight joy. Does everything I ever wished it would! :D
Go ahead and send it to him...tee hee it might work as good as mine on his set up!



Yo Ali, you are always welcome to a free lesson or two (I always learn more from my students then they think otherwise they might charge me!).

About the motorhome. I have a 1982 diesel Winnebago (A class or should I say “no class”) motorhome that i have somewhat refurbished. This summer, I will be on the road with my family visiting various US locations including the usuals (Grand Canyon, Rocky Mountains, Great Lakes…etc). Maybe somewhere near the Badlands, we will run into each other (where else would two old sh1ts run into each other) and drink that beer.

Take care friend,


When I find the bad luck fairy, I’m going to kill the bitch.


I’m late in reading this thread-- I’m truly sorry to hear of what has happened. But you’re right, it does blow the door wide open for “Ali: Trailer Tour '05”, and I hope the excitement of making it happen is lifting your spirit again. I wish you and Denise the best in your adventures (you’re taking her, right? :;): )! And while you’re out there, do us all a favor and write a book or something–write anything. Should you lose in your guitar “shred-off” with The Grim Reaper (he ain’t stupid enough to challenge your alcohol tolerance), these “…” thingies are not gonna cut it! :D

Oh, and I never have any good jokes, really, but perhaps you’ll find it amusing that my 10-year-old’s knee-jerk answer to your favorite joke was, “poop”. Ah yes, I’ve trained him well… :D


Hi Ali, I was sorry to hear of your troubles, especially Denise’s health issues. But isn’t it great that she’s OK and that the diabetes can now be managed, reducing risk for the future? My dear old mum is diabetic and has for decades lived a healthy life just by sensible diet and a few pills, no injections.

Insurance companies are often horrid to deal with but it sounds to me that you will get the best deal you can and move on, IMHO quite the best approach to life.

I once had a good experience with an insurance company back in 1992. I think it was Commercial Union (in the UK). I’d been staying with friends in the south of France and done some party gigs with a couple of mates. I was the only one with a car so I volunteered to take some of their stuff home. While parked overnight in Paris the car was broken into and most of the kit stolen, including a good Ibanez strat (GBP 500) which I loved, an Ovation thinline electo-acoustic (GBP 500) which sounded great but never felt right under my fingers, and a Washburn Thunder A1 active fretless bass (GBP 300) which I also loved. Plus an expensive jacket, a case of wine and some other stuff. Strangely they did not take a nice Roland guitar combo and a Yamaha DX 11; I guess their hands were full.

The French police were not remotely interested but they gave me a paper confirming the theft. I had an additional policy to cover musical instruments. The CU sent a nice chap round to see me within a couple of days of my claim; he must have thought I had an honest face ‘cos they paid up 100% straight away.

Best wishes for health and happiness, whatever you decide to do with the house.

TusterBuster :)