What the cat is really up to

The truth exposed!

Found elsewhere:

the cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Heh…Heh…that’s pretty good JP. There is only one thing in all of the universe more evil, more devious and cunning than the male feline…the FEMALE feline! Satan himself pales in comparison… :p :p


Agreed, whoever was the first to say they’d make good pets was a sadistic fiend!

There’s only one way to have a cat…medium well!



I thought I was the only one.
I have no respect for an animal that sticks it’s azz in your face and then expects you to pet it. :angry:

Cat’s suck! The most useless animal ever in the history of this planet! :laugh:

The only good thing that ever came out of a cat is a stitch! :p

People who love cats are even weirdo’s!



They do make great dog toys, however…keeps the dog entertained for hours.


You guys are mean.

1000’s of years ago cats were worshipped as gods.

Cats never forgot that.

ahhh, now here’s a topic to start a REAL argument. I must be one #### of a weirdo Jerm. My 2 cats are my trusted mix critics. Here they are in the listening chairs, judging the latest work in progress:

They seem unenthusiastic, kymarcus. What cats! :)

At least my studio feline tries to get involved.

You gotta admit, cats do have 4-5 times more sensitive ears frequency-wise than the best “golden ears” of our own species, so kymarcus and John might be on to something here. However, I must say that I haven’t heard one cat that could sing worth a darn, but maybe all the genius is up in the 30kHz+ range which I simply can’t detect?

“Attention humans! Your ears and equipment are as lame as you are!”

(Sorry to link to your pic, John, but it was begging for a caption :D )


Heh. Tony that caption might read:

"Ewww…stale Budweiser!"


Quote (kymarcus @ Feb. 23 2005,08:43)
ahhh, now here's a topic to start a REAL argument. I must be one #### of a weirdo Jerm.

Well I was more talking about the old lady who has 50 some cats.

But you my freind are a true selfless being.
You give love unconditionally to an animal who you know will never do squat for you.
Got to admire and respect that.

I on the other hand am much to demanding of my pets.
If they can't fetch the paper, and a beer, it's off to the SPCA!

I figure if I'm going to invest my money and time on an animal, it better be able to pay me room and board!



Jerm: 'You give love unconditionally to an animal who you know will never do squat for you.'

There is some truth in that. However, not a single rodent has been seen in our house (and the neighborhood is infested !), and the crickets, spiders and other crawlies NEVER make it more than a yard or two past the basement door. If the kitties didn’t get 'em, wifey would make ME get 'em ! so…that counts for something - although I know they’re not actually doing it for me, per se.

Quote (jeremysdemo @ Feb. 23 2005,12:11)
You give love unconditionally to an animal who you know will never do squat for you.

How about the part where he (my cat) jumps on the bed next to me as I put my shoes on to leave for work and spends a couple of minutes getting in my way and doing his best "I'm cute" moves because he knows that when I put my shoes on I always leave and he wants me to stay?

Or how about when I come home in the evening and both of them come running to the door to say "Hello" because they heard me walking up the sidewalk and they know the sound of my footsteps?

And then there's the part where they insist on taking turns sleeping in my lap as I sit at my desk, or on the couch, thereby lowering my blood pressure and causing me to relax.

But if I don't keep the litter box *reasonably* clean, I get a nice big fat cat turd right by the front door where I can't miss it when I come home to serve as a reminder that the box is dirty. Hey, I don't blame them... I wouldn't use a toilet full of excrement, either.

So what if they don't play fetch? That game is for lessor animals. Cats are much smarter than that -- they like to chase the little red dot from my laser-pointer.

I'm not a freak.


No JP. You got a pretty good deal going there I suppose… take my situation in mind for a minute if you will. My wife and kids just HAD to have a pet. What did they get? One of THE dumbest, most ignorant, canine retard DAWGS EVER to walk planet Earth. We’ve had him over a year now and even though (I think) he knows his name, when you call him, he just looks at you with them black eyes like "What? I ain’t coming over there…three feet is way too far to ask ME to walk…gets off your human butt and come get me!"

Ignorant beast. Yes, cats are WAY smarter than dogs…even though they are EVIL! :p


Heh, those are great pictures - OK, we need a “studio animal” thread now. :)

Quote (John @ Feb. 23 2005,14:13)
I'm not a freak.


For some reason that reminds me of Nixons speach! LAO.

Anyway, I forgot about the whole blood pressure studies on cat's.

I guess I will eat my words some day, but for now,I'm ordering chicken chow mein.
And I got a funny feeling it's not really chicken!
Shure taste good though. :D