What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican

funny stuff - to some folks

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“I mean, think about it. Other than the war in Iraq, the Katrina disaster, the deficit, the CIA leak, torture, stopping stem cell research, homeland security, global warming and undercutting science, we’ve yet to really feel the negative effects of the Bush administration.”

- Bill Maher (not Bill Moyers)


What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney then did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find bin Laden” diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

Support of “Executive Privilege” only for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what G. W. Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

oh so funny. wow.

love it

The Bill Moyers quote is interesting (if authentic). It seems to undercut the idea that public broadcasting is neutral when it comes to politics.

From what I can tell it’s actually Bill Maher that said it, not Bill Moyers. I found it on many sites attributing it incorrectly.

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/20051104.html

I’ll edit the quote.

Anyway, Bill Moyer’s had a show on PBS. He wasn’t PBS. Bill O’Riley is on a cable news channel but I sure don’t think all cable news is so right wing.

there is, of course, a like “what you need to believe to be a democrat” floating around the net.

But I don’t believe in being party to such broad generalities and stereotyping.

What You Need To Believe To Be A Democrat

You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.

You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural

You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand at any point in the pregnancy

You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity and jobs.

You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside Seattle do.

You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high

You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison

You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady

You have to believe that after 40 years of trying, the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge, and that big government always knows better than you.

You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail; but a liar, sex offender and draft dodger belongs in the White House.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

You have to believe Mr. Clinton “did not have sex with that woman”. (Try telling that to your wife or husband.

You have to believe Richard Nixon obstructed justice by having an 18 1/2 minute gap in one tape of his recorded conversations, but that it was only an innocent mistake that one year’s worth of Al Gore’s e-mails got erased. (And wouldn’t you know that these e-mails of Al’s just happen to be the ones subpoenaed by a White House committee and a federal grand jury in their continuing investigation of campaign finance abuses and other matters)

You have to believe Hillary’s Rose Law Firm’s billing records, under subpoena, could not be found for three years, but suddenly turned up on a coffee table in the White House.

What You Need To Believe To Be A Democrat (new revision)

The AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

Trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

Global temperatures are affected more by a suburban soccer mom driving an SUV than by documented, cyclical variations in the brightness and intensity of the sun.

Guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear, chemical and biological weapons in the hands of Saddam Hussein.

Businesses create oppression and government creates prosperity.

Self-esteem is more important than doing anything to earn it.

There was no art before federal funding.

The NRA is a bad organization because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, but the ACLU is a good organization because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.

Taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

Standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas are not.

ANY change in the weather is proof of global warming.

National wealth is determined by what we consume, not by what we produce.

The only wars in which America should become involved are those in which our national security is not at risk.

Perjury and obstruction of justice are impeachable if a Republican president commits them but a harmless, private matter if a Democrat president commits them.

America can have a strong military without spending money on it.

The way to improve public schools is to give more money and power to the very people who have misused that power and money to destroy the public schools.

Hunters and fishermen do not care about the environment but pasty-faced activists that rarely venture out-of-doors do.

A bureaucrat living in Washington, D.C. can make better decisions about how to spend the money that you earn than you can.

Being a movie or television star qualifies you to speak out on public policy.

Hillary Clinton is a wonderful example for young women of feminine independence even though she has never accomplished anything worthwhile without riding on the coattails of her husband.

A handful of religious whackos living in rural Texas are more of a threat to public safety than Islamic terrorists who wish to plant bombs in major American cities.

Passing new laws are a much better way to curb crime than enforcing the existing ones.

Tax cuts are for people who don’t actually pay income taxes.

thanks Phoo for being “fair and balanced”

:)

wow,phoo i would never be either a democrat or republican-but your views on gay people-and women- seem exclusionary and hateful to me, but then i’m an extremist…

Oh, well…my views? Nah…no need to lean either way. I hate everybody. I don’t discriminate. :D

right on brotha!

hilarious!if you hate everyone,why single out gays.hate talk is hate talk

Wow. Someone is uber-sensitive today…

ROFL

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hilarious!if you hate everyone,why single out gays.hate talk is hate talk


Listen audiobru, I don’t think anybody cares that you’re a fag. What you do in your own time is up to you and good luck to you. But please don’t start being bitchy and throwing hissy fits in here. Go and have yourself a new hairstyle or something, you’ll feel a lot more at peace with the world afterward. :;):
Quote (Guest @ June 02 2006,15:19)
hilarious!if you hate everyone,why single out gays.hate talk is hate talk


Listen audiobru, I don't think anybody cares that you're a fag. What you do in your own time is up to you and good luck to you. But please don't start being bitchy and throwing hissy fits in here. Go and have yourself a new hairstyle or something, you'll feel a lot more at peace with the world afterward. :;):
Posts like this from "anonymous" posters are amazing. I don't believe that the poster realizes that he/she insulted him/herself. It doesn't matter that what they said or wrote has no basis in fact; what matters is that their response was meant to be a bigoted insult. Really quite sad. :(
Quote (phoo @ June 01 2006,19:59)
Oh, well...my views? Nah....no need to lean either way. I hate everybody. I don't discriminate. :D

If anybody don't get the irony here, well... hmf... HAHAHAHAHA :laugh: :D :laugh:

That was no “anonymous” - that was Ann Coulter! :D

IMPEACH BUSH!