Well, I’m in my second marriage and it’s a good one but if it ended it would be my last.
If I ever got the inclination to get married again I’d just find a girl I don’t like very much and buy her a house…
…save myself all kinds of time.
That sounds like a SHORTCUT TO SUCCESS..
bILL..
O.K.
Well…
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
‘Why is the bride dressed in white?’’
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life…’
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
Bill…
Guy walks into a bar, tells the bartender to line up ten shots of Tequila on the bar.
Bartender looks at him for a moment, then does it.
The young man grabs the first shot, chugs it, slams the shot glass down, grabs the second shot, chugs it, slams the glass down, reaches for the third shot, and the bartender stops him.
“Slow down, son!” he says. "What’s wrong? Did your wife leave you, or something?"
The young man looks surprised and says “Nothing’s wrong! I’m just celebrating!”
“Really?” says the bartender, looking suspicious. “What are you celebrating?”
“My first blow job” returns the young man.
“Well, congratulations, Son!” says the bartender. "Here, let me buy you another shot!"
The young feller waves him off, and says "No, that’s alright… If ten shots won’t get that taste out of my mouth, nothing will…"
Okay, you can shoot me now, lol!
The barman says "Sorry, we don’t serve Time Travellers here"
A Time Traveller walks into a bar.
The best Knock-knock joke in the world.
You start.
Who's there 
A guy goes home late one night, as soon as he sees his wife he says: “Quick honey - pour me a shot before it starts.” She pours him a shot and he downs it then says: “Another quick - before it starts.” She pours him another shot and he downs it and says: "Pour me another one before it starts."
She slams the bottle down and says: "Okay, what the heII is this all about?!!!"
He says: “Ahhh - it started.”