Post your non-PC jokes here
You can say all the bad things you want about paedophiles but ONE thing you have to give them…
…they do drive slow in school zones.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?”
“Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer!”
Good one Mark A:
Does this one fit???
If it don't
here it is anyway..
"The political ransom"
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa.Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold-up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton, Brian Mulroney, Gilles Duceppe,
Jean ChrÃ©tien and Stephen Harper. They are asking for a ten million dollar ransom....otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon!"
Bill - I first heard that joke as being about a despondent Maple Leafs fan on St. Catherine St in Montreal threatening to set himself ablaze and one of Montreal’s finest taking up a collection among motorists. Funny how jokes change to suit the needs of the teller.
Mark - Are we starting in so soon on the lawyer jokes? TomS will have one or two to contribute. Like the two lawyers sitting in a bar watching an inebriated woman and one says to the other: “Let’s go over and screw that woman.” And the other says: “Out of what?”
“Hey, have you heard there is a pastor at the boys school?”
“No, I hadn’t heard. Would you happen to know his name?”
“Sure, it’s Father Phil McKrackin.”
A guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing a suitcase.
He asks,“Are you going somewhere? Is there something wrong?”
“I’m leaving.”, she says. “I heard you where a pedophile.”
“Say, thats a mighty big word for a nine year old.”
I got tons. Used to tell these on stage just to see who was listening.
What do you csll 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A bloody good start.
You hear the one about the Young Bull and the Old Bull looking down the pasture at the young cows down by the stream in the shade of the trees..
If you have, I wouldn't tell you..
It's like New fies and Capers stamp in out their territories in the bar..
A police officer pulled a man over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But, come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in there.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh yeah? I’ll bet he said that I was speeding, too.
Stephen the Chicken
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilize the pullets' eggs.
Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was Stephen, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Stephen's bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Stephen had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Stephen, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Stephen became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded Stephen the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
I've raised the BAR about 1 1/2
Oh, I thought you meant actual non-PC jokes. I’ll refrain as I am afraid I am way too hardcore.
Oh, I thought you meant actual non-PC jokes. I'll refrain as I am afraid I am way too hardcore.
No, no - please Bubbagump - we got off course on these tame jokes. Hit us with the hard-core non-PC stuff.
Fine… do you know how to make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when the priest spots a small boy. He says to the rabbi, “Check out that kid… Let’s go fug him.” The rabbi replies… "Out of what?"
This is as far as I will go as I don’t need the lawsuits.
EDIT: stupid board edited out the initial verbiage. Updated to “fug”.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when the priest spots a small boy. He says to the rabbi, "Check out that kid... Let's go fug him." The rabbi replies... "Out of what?"
Another example of how jokes get changed - I first heard this as being two lawyers talking about a woman in a bar.
I just remembered this one…
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
OR… My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be…
Not non-pc but…
I just spilled my lunch on my tie. But don’t you just love tie food?
Buy versus Lease Analysis
The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is as follows: After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he shared sex every night during their 5 year relationship it ended up costing him $26,849 per occurrence. This is Heather.
On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer’s hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything! This is Kristen.
Had McCartney ‘employed’ Kristen, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a $41.7 million savings).
Additional leasing value-added benefits include: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests,
no bitching or complaining or ‘honey-do’ lists. Best of all, she leaves after her performance and comes back when asked. All at one-seventh the cost, and without legal fees or unflattering media exposure.
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
Heh… that’s what I told the Missus; "God forbid anything should ever happen to you… but if it does, you’ll have the distinction of being the first and LAST ‘Mrs. UJ’! I have determined that leasing or renting is a better option for future companionship."
I slept in the recliner that night.
Heh... that's what I told the Missus; "God forbid anything should ever happen to you... but if it does, you'll have the distinction of being the first and LAST 'Mrs. UJ'! I have determined that leasing or renting is a better option for future companionship."
I slept in the recliner that night.
Is that know as Hot Tongue and Cold Shoulder ?